Academics

Now here's a topic that really interests me.

From a very young age, it was instilled in me that school was important. No argument there-I truly believe this. But, I was getting good grades because that was something that was expected of me. If I didn't achieve this, I was taught that I was a failure.

Of course, there wasn't much else that I was good at. I couldn't play sports because I was way too overweight for that, I wasn't popular amongst the other kids because of my weight, I didn't have a very artistic side to me....so what else was I supposed to do?

School was always the one thing that I was good at. If I couldn't be the skinny, pretty, athletic one...at least I could be the 'brainy' one.

Anyways, what I wanted to vent/talk about is my learned obsession with grades. Stemming from what I was taught when I was younger, I am OBSESSED with my grades. A true perfectionist. I can't stand it when I don't get the grades I'm after. I can't stand it when I leave a test not feeling completely confident that I rocked it. I can't stand it when instructors don't post grades within a two-hour time period.

I check my grades more often than social media sites.

And the thing is...no matter how hard I try to be a little more relaxed about grades, and try to enjoy life more instead of studying all the time, it doesn't happen. I can't let go of the need to read every single word of every single chapter that will be covered on a test. I can't let go of the need to study for at least 8 hours for a single test.

I can't fathom how the other girls I attend school with don't study and obsess like I do. It blows my mind to know that some of them walk in to take a test, having only briefly skimmed the material, if that. Of course, these are the girls who are out there, enjoying their lives.

While I'm studying, there are people out there (in the same boat that I'm in) who are making memories. People who haven't put their entire lives on hold for school. People who continue to experience life, find joy, spend time with their families, and do things for themselves. I can't understand how they do that...but I sure envy them for being able to.

I am grateful for my work ethic-for my desire to do well in school. And I am grateful for my "intelligence"...don't get me wrong. But it is really hard sometimes to be this committed and perfectionistic. I'd liken it to someone sitting inside prison, behind bars, watching the world pass by. Except, in my case, there are only fictitious bars...ones which I have placed myself. I have the option to remove these bars, but I can't. If I lose this one thing...what do I have left?

The point of this all...

I hope that when my husband and I bring kids into this world, we are able to find a balance for them. We are both academically successful people and I'd want my child to be academically successful. But, what if they aren't? It's okay for people to not be wired for academics. I know that. I just hope that I can practice what I preach when the time comes. Because I don't want anyone to ever have to feel the strong sense of responsibility to academics that I do. I've lost a lot of time with family and friends. And I've obviously lost out on many experiences.

So, that's that.

-S.